The Good, The Bad…and what I perceive as the ugly parts
You know, I go through different
emotions and thought processes as my family continues this battle against Parkinson’s
disease. When discussing this with
others different outlooks always surface that help me as a person handle our
own journey with this. I do know, this
disease has opened my perspective as to how I feel and approach many things in
life now. From making the most of each
day we are given, not put so many “wishes” on the back burner to do in the
future (because it may not be possible)….and to be more attentive to someone
else’s struggles that they didn’t have a choice to have.
***Let’s skip back roughly 15-20 years…. I didn’t comprehend
how a disease can slowly change and consume a person’s life (as well as their families). A part of you just assumes there is a pill or
treatment for anything now days.
Medicine continues to take leap and bounds every day, at least that’s
what our textbooks continue to highlight and promote. In general, it’s a very solid statement,
until you are faced yourself with one of those diseases they just haven’t
figured out yet. I think the influence
my dad had on me growing up regarding his constant saying of “no excuses” maybe
I took to a little extreme. When a
single pill started to alter my dad’s characteristics, I got grumpy….(now given
at the time we didn’t know it was from the pill)… I got mad at the fact of
things he was doing….and I remember lashing out one night at him literally
screaming “NO EXCUSES” when he kept saying I Just don’t know why I want to do
this. (A “family hard point to talk
about” was when this dopamine medication was creating a compulsive tendency
towards certain things, later discovered as a side effect of that particular
medicine) The side effects of these “pills”
etc were sometimes far worse than the disease itself. I remember my mom calling when she saw something
on the news informing of the studies being done on that medicine and the
findings they had discovered. It was a
sense of relief to my mom, because for so long we didn’t understand what was
going on.
I’ll be honest…. (Brock always
laughs when I say that, because he’ll respond sarcastically Oh good…I hate it
when you lie)…. I’ve probably kept this
blog post to myself for many reasons….but during yesterday’s run I got to
thinking….Just because I’m fighting hard to keep things positive, it doesn’t
change reality that sometimes it just plain sucks. It’s probably important to share the bad with
the good so that others when faced upon the harder parts realize its normal or
understand others have been there too.
It isn’t always a “GREAT” ride..no matter how positive we push to be and
maybe we want both…we can’t learn without one and the other.
The Ugly reality….. how it alters
others to act. I may not be speaking in
English right now, I’m not even quit sure how to describe this in a
professional correct manner without it coming out an inappropriate way. BUT… there are some people in your life that
you expect to act a certain way given certain situations. We all react to tragedy differently and that’s
why I try so hard to understand where some may be coming from, I try to open my
perception on why they may be acting a certain way prior to getting upset about
it. I’m not saying I know the right way
or wrong way….but I do think there
is a better way. (I’ll be the first to admit for years I just
wanted to pretend it wasn’t really happening and to avoid the topic of the
disease because it was easier to deal with then to know what was going to happen. I even
refused to educate myself on it at first because I lived in fear of not wanting
to know maybe what could happen to my dad)
Over these few years there has
been blame placed on different people, harsh words spoken, and downright hatred
that has escalated to an unfortunate level of disrespect that isn’t deserved. I don’t understand why it has to come down to
that.
When nobody else has answers, I
suppose that’s when fingers start being pointed….that part I know is a general
reaction to anything someone doesn’t know quite what to do so they blame
someone else, that’s human nature I
guess. However, the truth is…everyone is
doing everything that they know how to do to the best of their abilities. There isn’t a way to make any of this easier,
no matter if it’s your son, your father, your husband, your friend etc. I will say in this, my mom has taken on an
extreme amount of responsibility over these past several years. It is heart breaking enough for me to think
about all the things I wanted my dad to share with me and be able to stand next
to me to do that he won’t be able to do physically. I know there are things my mom misses being
able to do with him every single day....including just being able to exchange
words in a conversation. I know I am
only speaking for myself, since this is obviously my blog….. but… I’m trying to
put this into words maybe for a sense of dealing with it…so I can move on at
least for me. I’m done with the rumors,
the lies, and feeling the urge to want to protect my mom from these
accusations. My mom has handled far more
then many others could even think of….she has more on her plate then many do
even prior to my dad’s sickness. I’m
tired of things not going perfect for some, and the blame being placed on her.
I’ve convinced myself sometimes you
just have to let go……no matter the relationship this person may be….there are
many famous quotes that state surround yourself by positive people, and maybe
at the end of day, I have to make that decision for myself and for a few others
in my family. I almost feel as if maybe
it’s a selfish decision, but I’m tired of what spirits we do have being a
negative focus when the topic comes up. If anything I will protect my family from this
pessimism that has sense spiraled over the last few years and even some
recently and put it to better use, we have bigger things to focus on anyway. I
try to put others before me as much as I can, and I’m just exhausted at this point
of understanding and even allowing myself to get upset/worked up about it. Christmas came and went for one example without
a single word other than “We aren’t celebrating/buying Christmas this year…which was mentioned in
October in my birthday card in fact”…..and to be honest the “cancellation of
Christmas” we were told became obvious later on….cancellation of Christmas was for
our side of the family.
Now….there isn’t a need for feeling sorry, this isn’t what
this blog post is about…. I’m (and my family) is surrounded by some of the most
wonderful people a person could ask for….family relation or not…. and to be
honest…what I’ve learned in life (all 30 years now)…it doesn’t matter if
someone is related to you by blood…it matters for those who choose to act that
way…you get the opportunity to pick who you want in your life, and I’m beyond
lucky of who I’m surrounded with that want to be there. Just know…if your family has altered some because
of a difficult situation, you aren’t alone and don’t let it affect the
hardships even more…there are many people who’ve been there and understand.
One thing that always amazes me…. Is
the uplifting support from complete strangers…. You create this mental concept
of who will understand, help, be there etc in hard times. It’s disappointing when the obvious people
don’t do what one may expect ….but what truly makes a difference are the new
friends you meet along the way as if they’ve been there all along. I do believe there are some days when I feel
so overwhelmed at wanting a solution, making a difference, and just needing a
push in the right direction.... it seems to always arrive at the right time from
a friend I’ve met along the way.
Life isn’t always going to be as picture
perfect as we’d like it to be….but I don’t think we would learn from that
either. I’m happy for the struggles we’ve
had along the way, because I do think it’s made me a more understanding person
and I hope a better one for that matter.
I hope to be a little more stern about who I let effect my spirit, and
know I wouldn’t be where I am today if it hadn’t been for those people who were
the encouraging supportive ones along the way….most of all….thank you mom and
dad…..even during my grumpy/overwhelming stages I know I wouldn’t be who I am
today if it hadn’t been for you always being there.
Now....Team huddle....
"Stop complaining and get out there and do something!
(That's exactly what my dad would say to this blog post!) :)
**Team Spangler**
